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This is Topic: Odd News
Following are the News Items published under this Topic.
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This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants knows the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.
8. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los Angeles Lakers?
10. There are 7 ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls (a walk) is one way. Name the other 6.
11. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
12. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."
For the answers to this quiz, click on the Read more... link below...
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Train Mishaps
Posted by: Jack on Tuesday, November 14, 2006 - 05:19 PM |
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I take a certain train to work in the morning and home in the evening. It's a long-ish ride, but it definately gives me time to write both to and from work. That's not to say that readers here at Netscrapes get to realize my endeavors in that area, especially since I'm not known to post updates here on a daily basis. But, I witnessed a strange confluence of factors over a five-day period that will grace this little corner of the 'Net.
As a point of clarification, I actually take two separate trains to work. One takes me from my suburban home to a major metropolitan transit center. Once there, I transfer to another train that removes me from the metro area out to the suburban area where my office is located. Now, that's not the same office where I write for Netscrapes, but rather the place where I earn the money to pay for the electricity that lets me go home to write for Netscrapes.
Anyway, last Thursday I had transferred from the first train to the second and was well into the ride on my second train. I was reading e-book I had downloaded and happended to notice out of the corner of my eye when I passed a station there seemed to be more than the normal number of commuters waiting for the train to take 'em the other way, the way I had just come from. At the next station, my previous subliminal ackowledgement of my surrounding bubbled more closely to the surface. I now became consciously aware that even more commuters were lined up waiting for their train; there must have been some kind of a back-up to cause this many folks to be still waiting for their train. And, by the time we had made our way to the next station, I was sitting bolt upright in my chair; it looked as if a convention was being held right there on the station platform, with many, many disinterested and impatient participants waiting to vent their collective frustrations out on some poor conductor. Then, our train slowed down and about that tme I realized something was amiss.
Around that time the conducter on my train announced over the loudspeaker that we were being delayed because an earlier train going the other way had struck a pedestrian at a station we were about to pass through in the next few minutes.
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Invective
Posted by: Jack on Thursday, October 12, 2006 - 10:30 AM |
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I sit, watch and listen, aware of all that she stands for, so neatly attired in her prim little blouse with ruffled sleeves, her proper skirt an all-too decent four inches below her knees and hair pulled into a severe spinster-esque bun on top of her head, lecturing in an even, monotonous tone, droning on and on about some stupid tight-assed philosopher who lived hunderds of years ago and whose contemporaries coudn't even begin to fathom the complexities facing human kind in the 21st century. More succinctly stated, I detest all she represents; I loathe her with what has recently denegrated into an all-consuming yet inspiring passion.
I have agonized in this elective course, having chosen it because friends told me it was a breeze, the kind you take to assure yourself of maintaining a GPA respectable enough for graduation. But in no time her insights, observations and opinions crammed my brain, forcing me at times to put my hands over my ears to prevent me from hearing her chortling comments and hoping the other students didn't see my actions. It took all my inner resolve, all my strength to stop myself from screaming or even worse, running up to the front of the room and grabbing her by the throat and squeezing, gagging and choking until she was forced to stop pratlling her vitriol at us. Didn't anyone else feel the same way as I did? Would the rest of the class clap in approval if I performed the aforementioned act? Maybe I do dance to a different drummer as my grammer and high school teachers used to explain to my guardians, the folks who cared for me after the incident.
The day I'm talking about, the one when I found them on the floor, I had missed the bus and walked home. But that's a misnomer. Home is supposed to be a place where a family gathers, where laughter, fun and cherished memories are created. Not so in my particular situation. They fought constantly, like something out of the old Honeymooners TV show with Jackie Gleason: he fought about her inability to manage money, her about his inability to provide her with enough to manage in the first place. Then her about his habit of leaving dirty dishes in the sink, him about her not taking the garbage out. Her about him smoking stinking cigars, him about the stench of her cheap perfume. On this particular day they rested side by side in peaceful silence, no longer any animosity between them, holding hands in their eternal slumber. That hot summer afternoon I wore shorts and the backs of my thighs stuck to the plastic seatcovers on the kitchen chair I was sitting on. Swinging my skinny little legs that didn't yet reach the floor, I could really feel their tranquility and wondered why the policemen were so angry with me. Over the years I think I learned why their feelings weren't the same as my own, but that might have merely been the residue from the ideas therapists implanted in my head.
In any event, I find the woman repugnant. Such blind hatred isn't usually my strong suite, but I've had no problem in making an exception in his case. And so my journey begins, an odyssey ultimately culminating in scenes all to familiar in recent years to families sitting in rapt attention in front of their TV sets, captivated, watching, leering, hanging on the diatribe espoused by the talking heads as gruesome pictures are flashed into homes across this great land of ours. I prepare for the inevitable and chant my mantra, the three mono-syllabic words that have comforted me in my times of need, words that sound as pleasing to one's ears as that of a happy little stream tinkling over rocks and moss-laden trees that unsuccessfully tried to block its course as it makes its way through a lush green forest: lock and load.
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Clicking on the following links and reading the stories about the stupid things that people do may prompt you to ask yourself if our species really is the master race on this planet:
Collection of stupid deeds. Click HERE.
A whole bunch of stupid deeds. Click HERE.
Another slew of stupid things people do. Click HERE.
Still more stupid people doin' stupid things. Click HERE.
Stupid answers to questions on drivers' tests. Click HERE.
Star Wars fanatics hurt in light saber duel. Click HERE.
ADults (?) embarass themselves with absence notes for their kids. Click HERE.
Another collection of dumb stuff. Click HERE.
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18 Comments   |
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Remember that skit on Saturday Night Live called "The Killer Bees?" Here's a real-life adaptation of same proving once again that life is stranger than fiction. Click HERE.
Credit for citing this story goes to a certain person working at a particular publishing concern somewhere in the Northeast, US area.
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21 Comments |
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Odd Story
Posted by: Jack on Thursday, March 03, 2005 - 04:12 PM |
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Here's an interesting story about a group of Fuji nationals who are contesting Mel Gibson's purchase of their islands...click HERE. In a nutshell, here's the crux of the matter..the Fuji folks contend that their ancestors lived on the island in question and therefore it still belongs to them. I wonder how long it will be until a group of American indians (with the help of the ACLU, I venture) lay claim to Manhattan island.
And, let it be known...CitiBank, Madison Square Garden, Empire State Building residents, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum...get ready to pack your bags and move out.
I guess 26 multi-color trinkets just can't buy what they used to, eh?
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28 Comments |
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Satan vs. God
Posted by: Jack on Tuesday, February 08, 2005 - 04:09 PM |
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Satan and Logistics . . . .
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep-fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that? "And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
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53 Comments |
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Four Cats
Posted by: Jack on Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 04:21 PM |
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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third
man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff."
Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a
10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,
"What can your cat do?".
The Government Worker called to his cat and said,
"CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on
the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while
doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for
Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..
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31 Comments |
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and
fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has
stolen our tent."
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26 Comments |
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DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE...USELESS, BUT DEEP:
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty! , but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
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44 Comments |
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Why should you get a second opinion? Read on...
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one heck of a headache The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an importantpart of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he did feel like a different person. Why not make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -a new suit!" He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Why not, Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I finally got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34 A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."
ALWAYS get a second opinion
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43 Comments |
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Here are some reasons employees told their bosses why they couldn't make it in to work:
I was sprayed by a skunk.
I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.
My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.
I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
I couldn't find my shoes.
I hurt myself bowling.
I was spit on by a venomous snake.
I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.
A hit man was looking for me.
My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
I eloped.
My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.
My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.
I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India.
I forgot what day of the week it was.
Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
A tree fell on my car.
My monkey died.
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30 Comments |
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Wanna get Congress to allow prayer in the classroom, nativity scenes on its property, etc?
Then, check this out...
So if the US government determines that it is against the law for the words "under God" to be on our money, then, so be it;
And if that same government decides that the "Ten Commandments" are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.
And since they already have prohibited any prayer in the schools, of which they deem their authority, then so be it.
I say, "so be it," because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen.
I say, "so be it," because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions. I would like to think that those people have my best interest at heart.
BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?
I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter.
I'd like the US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter as well as Sundays,
I'd like the Senate and the House of representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break."
I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter.
It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other days of the week to a government that is trying to be "politically correct".
This would not effect any "non-governmental" business since everyone else still has the freedom of religion, we could all still enjoy our holidays.
So I guess if they continue to bow to the wishes of the few, & if this e-mail gets out to the right people, maybe they would bow to the wishes of the many.
So be it...........
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33 Comments |
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A Few Jokes...
Posted by: Jack on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 05:23 PM |
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!!!
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. " Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they
would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're iIn your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? "Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I'm a teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute".
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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27 Comments |
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FROM THE DESK 0F S. CLAUS
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Joe Claus because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson".
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba Joe Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus' fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Joe Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, Andretti, on Elliott and Petty "
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also are likely to hear Bubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and " Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally .........
8. Bubba Joe Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure your wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. :o)
Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus
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40 Comments |
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The engineers assigned to the hit USA show “While You Were Out” were recently hired by the city of Pisa, Italy to assess if the tilt rate of their world-famous tower was in any danger of actually listing so badly it would topple over. Somehow, instructions for their assignment were mis-interpreted and before city officials realized what had occurred, the 500 year-old tower of Pisa had been up-righted.
Giuliannni Rudolpho, mayor of the city, was visibly upset when interviewed by news reporters over the incident. “This a-tower, she a big attraction,” he stammered while wiping his brow with a large red handkerchief. “Now, I’m a not know how a we going attract the tourists to pay the bills.” Rudolpho was seen nervously glancing over and around people in his near vicinity. He had recently received correspondence from some of the more influential families in Italy, demanding his presence at their homes to personally explain how the “adjustment,” as it’s been dubbed, could have occurred.
Chad Chesterton, the gregarious host of “While You Were Out,” presented a more upbeat interpretation of events. “Hey, these things happen,” was his comment, non-plussed by all the commotion. “We come into an area that’s in need of renovation and get down to business right away” he continued. “It’s usually walls that come down or floor that get shored up, but a job like Pisa, man, that’s gonna make us world famous!”
Chesterton explained a huge tent was first placed over the tower to prevent tourists and other onlookers from getting in the way of business. His engineers then determined the list of the building (30.4 degrees) and that a series of counter weights attached to a thick metal rod inserted through the center of the tower would make it plumb. Over a weekend, when city officals were off duty, a huge crane had been brought into the city and the rod was jackhammered through the tower’s center. “We were real excited about this project and are glad to guarantee the tower’s existence for another 500 years” said Chesterton. “The cement and columns damaged when we smashed through the ceiling for the rod was a comparatively small price to pay for the satisfaction of a job well done” he finished.
Whether or not the fabled "While You Were Out" crew will be contacted for any other preservation projects remains to be seen.
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38 Comments |
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Check out these winners of the Washington Post New Word Contest:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie (unforgivable if you're a male).
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
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Bad English
Posted by: Jack on Monday, August 23, 2004 - 02:56 PM |
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I went to a convenience store the other evening to procure a "sugar fix." After rummaging through bins, rutting around the floor and finally finding a packaged carrot cake (with icing, of course), I brought my treasured possession to the check-out counter.
Picking up the item, the check-out clerk tried over & over get her register to pick up the price. Alas, all was to no avail as the much awaited bleep of a successful scan was not to be heard. Non-plussed, the clerk turned to her co-worker and said in a loud voice,
"WHY DIS CARROT CAKE DON'T COME UP?"
What the @#$%???
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